Shame is a sneaky emotion. It doesn’t shout—it whispers. It quietly convinces us that if we rest, ask for help, or admit we’re struggling, we’re somehow failing. For many working women, shame isn’t just an emotion; it’s a driving force behind exhaustion.
Let’s explore how shame keeps us stuck in the cycle of doing too much and why it’s time to let it go.
What Is Shame, Really?
Shame isn’t about what you’ve done—it’s about who you think you are. It’s the voice that says, “You’re not enough.” It’s different from guilt, which focuses on actions (e.g., “I made a mistake”). Shame hits deeper, targeting your worth (e.g., “I am a mistake”).
For women, shame often shows up in ways that keep us overworked and overwhelmed:
- The Fear of Being Seen as Weak: Resting or asking for help feels like admitting we can’t handle it all.
- The Pressure to Be Perfect: Shame tells us that if we can’t do everything flawlessly, we’ve failed.
- The Need to Prove Ourselves: Whether at work, at home, or in relationships, shame drives us to constantly do more, believing it’s the only way to earn love and respect.
How Shame Fuels Exhaustion
Shame doesn’t just sit quietly in the background—it actively shapes our behavior.
Here’s how it keeps you stuck:
- You Keep Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
Shame whispers, “If you say no, they’ll think you’re unreliable, selfish, or lazy.” So, you pile on more and more, even when you’re already overwhelmed. - You Overcompensate
Feeling “not good enough” can push you to work harder, care more, and do everything perfectly to avoid criticism or rejection. But the more you give, the less you have for yourself. - You Avoid Vulnerability
Shame makes admitting you’re struggling feel impossible. You soldier on, hoping no one notices how drained you really are. - You Disconnect from Your Needs
Shame convinces you that your needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s. Over time, you stop noticing what you need entirely.
Why Shame Feels So Normal
For many women, shame isn’t just personal—it’s learned. From a young age, we’re told to:
- Be “good girls” who don’t make a fuss.
- Take care of everyone else before thinking about ourselves.
- Avoid being “too much” or “not enough.”
These messages sink in, teaching us to internalize shame as part of who we are. So, when exhaustion hits, instead of asking for help, we blame ourselves for not being stronger.
Breaking Free from the Grip of Shame
The good news? Shame loses its power when you name it, challenge it, and choose a different path. Here’s how to start:
- Recognize the Voice of Shame
The first step to overcoming shame is spotting it. Notice when thoughts like these pop up:
- “I should be able to handle this.”
- “If I rest, they’ll think I’m lazy.”
- “I don’t deserve help.”
When you hear that inner voice, pause and ask yourself: Is this really true? Or is this shame talking?
- Be Kind to Yourself
Shame thrives on self-criticism. Combat it with compassion. When you catch yourself spiraling into shame, try saying:
- “It’s okay to need rest.”
- “I’m allowed to have limits.”
- “My worth isn’t tied to how much I do.”
It might feel awkward at first, but self-kindness is like a muscle—the more you practice, the stronger it gets.
- Practice Letting Go of Perfection
Shame often convinces us that we need to do everything perfectly. Instead, give yourself permission to be human. Start small:
- Leave the dishes until tomorrow.
- Say, “I’ve done enough for today,” and mean it.
- Accept that “good enough” is more than enough.
- Talk About It
Shame thrives in silence. Sharing your struggles with someone you trust—whether it’s a friend, therapist, or coach—can help you see that you’re not alone.
- Celebrate Small Wins
Each time you choose to rest, say no, or prioritize yourself, you’re taking a stand against shame. Celebrate those moments as victories. They’re proof that you’re rewriting the story shame has been telling you.
Final Thoughts
Shame doesn’t have to run the show. It’s time to step out of the shadow of “not enough” and into a space where you can rest, ask for help, and simply be human.
You deserve to live a life that isn’t weighed down by shame. And the first step? Reminding yourself that you are, and always have been, enough—exactly as you are.
What’s one small way you can challenge shame today? Share your thoughts—I’d love to hear them